:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
