Tell her she can't have a vagina
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
