put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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