i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize