hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
