I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
