I think I won the penis lottery.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
