i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
