Umm I'm too high to move.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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