So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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