My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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