Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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