Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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