You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
