I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize