Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
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