It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
