I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
