at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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