In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize