Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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