Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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