Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize