I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize