he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
