The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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