then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
