filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
