I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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