I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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