I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize