If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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