this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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