I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
