It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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