I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize