I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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