its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
