my sisters under your porch take her home
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
