He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
