you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
