You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
