I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Randomize
