believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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