Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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