I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize