Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
