OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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