I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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