I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
