I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize