I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
