how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
