i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
