Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
