wanna go halves on a baby?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
