she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
